Alita
Fri, 11 Apr 2008, 17:36
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman,
with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues are simple. After you get the first line right, repeat
it. Then find something that rhymes, "sort of": "Got a good woman
with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she
weighs 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck
in a ditch... Ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or sport utility vehicles. Most
Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet
aircraft ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in
the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues; they ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough
to get the electric chair if you shot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are
probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas
City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have
the Blues in any place that doesn't get rain.
8. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall; the
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot and sit by the
dumpster.
9. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. Empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
10. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's.
b. Gallery openings.
c. Ivy League institutions.
d. Golf courses.
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. You older than dirt.
b. You blind.
c. You shot a man in Memphis.
d. You can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. You have all your teeth.
b. You were once blind but now can see.
c. The man in Memphis lived.
d. You have a 401K or trust fund.
13. Blues are not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly
white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's
the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine.
b. Whiskey or bourbon.
c. Muddy water.
d. Black coffee.
The following are not Blues beverages:
a . Perrier.
b. Chardonnay.
c. Snapple.
d. Slim Fast.
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a
Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues
way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying
lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die
during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Alma.
b. Big Mama.
c. Bessie.
d. Fat River Dumpling.
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe.
b. Willie.
c. Little Willie.
d. Big Willie.
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shot in
Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name starter kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Ugly, etc.)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
etc.)
c. Last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
If you like blues ^_^
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman,
with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues are simple. After you get the first line right, repeat
it. Then find something that rhymes, "sort of": "Got a good woman
with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she
weighs 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck
in a ditch... Ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or sport utility vehicles. Most
Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet
aircraft ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in
the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues; they ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough
to get the electric chair if you shot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are
probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas
City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have
the Blues in any place that doesn't get rain.
8. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall; the
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot and sit by the
dumpster.
9. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. Empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
10. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's.
b. Gallery openings.
c. Ivy League institutions.
d. Golf courses.
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. You older than dirt.
b. You blind.
c. You shot a man in Memphis.
d. You can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. You have all your teeth.
b. You were once blind but now can see.
c. The man in Memphis lived.
d. You have a 401K or trust fund.
13. Blues are not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly
white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's
the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine.
b. Whiskey or bourbon.
c. Muddy water.
d. Black coffee.
The following are not Blues beverages:
a . Perrier.
b. Chardonnay.
c. Snapple.
d. Slim Fast.
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a
Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues
way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying
lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die
during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Alma.
b. Big Mama.
c. Bessie.
d. Fat River Dumpling.
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe.
b. Willie.
c. Little Willie.
d. Big Willie.
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shot in
Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name starter kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Ugly, etc.)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
etc.)
c. Last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
If you like blues ^_^