Cavadus
Sat, 19 Jan 2008, 12:18
http://www.sportspickle.com/features/volume7/2008-0116-rivers.jpg
Philip Rivers sees how you’re looking at him. With disdain. Hate even. Yeah, you’re trying to, at least. But, really, you’re just straight up jealous. You totally want to be him. Philip Rivers is the greatest and you’re not and that totally just pisses you off, doesn’t it, brah? Doesn’t it? Just admit it. Wooooooooooo! YEAH! Dude. Philip Rivers, yo!
“Philip Rivers owns you. And you so know it,” says Philip Rivers. “What team do you root for? Pffft. Dude. They suck. Totally. If you had any idea how much better I am than your quarterback – jeez. I’m like the best there is. Bet you don’t know the F in NFL stands for ‘Philip.’ And the one L at the end is because there is one L in my name, ‘cause that’s the totally cool way to spell ‘Philip.’ Two Ls is dumb. If you know anyone named ‘Phillip’ with two Ls, tell them they suck. Tell them Philip Rivers with one L says they’re a fag.”
“You have a girlfriend or anything? A little nancy boy like you got a girlfriend? Yeah? Want to see me do her right here in front of you? I totally could if I wanted to, you know. But you’d probably like that wouldn’t you, you queer? Where is she? Oh, she’s not here right now. Convenient for you, huh, gay boy? You lucked out, ‘cause I totally would have done her right here in front of you in a second. She would have wanted me right away. Definitely. What – you don’t believe me? Man, if you only knew. I’ve been with so many girls. Like, tons, man. Way more than you have. I’ve even seen boobs and everything.”
Wanna see me throw a ball? Look at this. See that. That’s the way to do it. None of that cock it all the way back and follow through gay sh-t. Nah, brah. Just bring it right in front of the ear and then fling it forward real quick. Throw a football any other way and you’re throwing it like a girl. Peyton Manning? Throws like a girl. Brett Favre? Throws like a girl. Ben Roethlisberger? Throws like a girl. Tom Brady? Is a girl. But, dude, I’d totally watch him and his girlfriend lez out. Hey, got any porn, queer? And not gay porn, you homo. Real porn. Like with naked boobies and everything. You want to know the greatest porno ever? Basic Instinct. I bet on DVD you can almost see her vag. Man, I’ve been waiting to see one of them forever. Hey, show me yours, you girl.”
“Nah. I’m just kidding. But you probably wanted to, didn’t you? If you had done it, I would have totally knocked you out. You should see how big my muscles are. Look at this. Arrrrrrh. See that? That’s called a python. I’m thinking of getting a tattoo of barbed wire around that bad boy. It will tell homos like you: ‘Step off! Danger behind here, yo! You will be killed by a python!’ Hey! Shut up! Shut up, man. Shut up. No, you’re a douche bag! You are! Stop laughing at me! Oh, man, you done messed up. Stop laughing, I said! I’m going to knock you out now. You’re getting laid out. Just wait here. I’m going to go get LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates. I’ll get them to lay you out, you pussy.”
I think this is hilarious just because my best friend reminds me of this guy. Whenever we go out to get our drink on this is basically how we think.
Philip Rivers sees how you’re looking at him. With disdain. Hate even. Yeah, you’re trying to, at least. But, really, you’re just straight up jealous. You totally want to be him. Philip Rivers is the greatest and you’re not and that totally just pisses you off, doesn’t it, brah? Doesn’t it? Just admit it. Wooooooooooo! YEAH! Dude. Philip Rivers, yo!
“Philip Rivers owns you. And you so know it,” says Philip Rivers. “What team do you root for? Pffft. Dude. They suck. Totally. If you had any idea how much better I am than your quarterback – jeez. I’m like the best there is. Bet you don’t know the F in NFL stands for ‘Philip.’ And the one L at the end is because there is one L in my name, ‘cause that’s the totally cool way to spell ‘Philip.’ Two Ls is dumb. If you know anyone named ‘Phillip’ with two Ls, tell them they suck. Tell them Philip Rivers with one L says they’re a fag.”
“You have a girlfriend or anything? A little nancy boy like you got a girlfriend? Yeah? Want to see me do her right here in front of you? I totally could if I wanted to, you know. But you’d probably like that wouldn’t you, you queer? Where is she? Oh, she’s not here right now. Convenient for you, huh, gay boy? You lucked out, ‘cause I totally would have done her right here in front of you in a second. She would have wanted me right away. Definitely. What – you don’t believe me? Man, if you only knew. I’ve been with so many girls. Like, tons, man. Way more than you have. I’ve even seen boobs and everything.”
Wanna see me throw a ball? Look at this. See that. That’s the way to do it. None of that cock it all the way back and follow through gay sh-t. Nah, brah. Just bring it right in front of the ear and then fling it forward real quick. Throw a football any other way and you’re throwing it like a girl. Peyton Manning? Throws like a girl. Brett Favre? Throws like a girl. Ben Roethlisberger? Throws like a girl. Tom Brady? Is a girl. But, dude, I’d totally watch him and his girlfriend lez out. Hey, got any porn, queer? And not gay porn, you homo. Real porn. Like with naked boobies and everything. You want to know the greatest porno ever? Basic Instinct. I bet on DVD you can almost see her vag. Man, I’ve been waiting to see one of them forever. Hey, show me yours, you girl.”
“Nah. I’m just kidding. But you probably wanted to, didn’t you? If you had done it, I would have totally knocked you out. You should see how big my muscles are. Look at this. Arrrrrrh. See that? That’s called a python. I’m thinking of getting a tattoo of barbed wire around that bad boy. It will tell homos like you: ‘Step off! Danger behind here, yo! You will be killed by a python!’ Hey! Shut up! Shut up, man. Shut up. No, you’re a douche bag! You are! Stop laughing at me! Oh, man, you done messed up. Stop laughing, I said! I’m going to knock you out now. You’re getting laid out. Just wait here. I’m going to go get LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates. I’ll get them to lay you out, you pussy.”
I think this is hilarious just because my best friend reminds me of this guy. Whenever we go out to get our drink on this is basically how we think.